Sarah: Your Boss Wants to Know About Your Family Planning
Last week at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Facebook COO and one of Fortune’s 50 Most Powerful Women in Business Sheryl Sandberg attacked gender stereotypes in the workplace, specifically as it relates to women having children. Sandberg has been an advocate for changes that would accommodate a better work/life balance so women would be less likely to feel as if they have to choose between career and family.
I myself am no stranger to this type of situation. A few years ago, during a high level interview, I was asked by the male CEO of a particular company how long I had been married, if I planned to have children, and if so, when I planned to have them. Knowing that this direct line of questioning was essentially illegal, I did my best to be diplomatic but ambiguous. I actually had no intention of having children, but my none-of-your-damn-business side kicked in and there was no way I was going to divulge my family planning (or more accurately, NOT planning) to this guy.
He regaled me with tales of having to deny his young children when they asked for “just one more hug” before he left for the office in the morning, hinting that I would be unable to handle such a situation and therefore my job performance would suffer acutely. The man was condescending, bigoted, and looking back, I wonder how a female of childbearing age ever got that far into the interview process to begin with. At the end of the interview, I told him not to work too hard and left chuckling down the hallway.
Having to choose between work and family is not every woman’s problem. I know lots of caring and nurturing women who have chosen not to have children because of other priorities. And I know plenty of intelligent and innovative women who have chosen to be stay-at-home mothers. But what about the women who want to be able to balance career and a family?
Right now there is a real problem within companies across America. Women who are valued by their colleagues and managers are suddenly viewed much differently the moment they become pregnant. Until that changes, many women will continue to feel as if they have to choose between a fulfilling career and a fulfilling family life.
Sheryl encourages a different type of conversation between employee and employer; one that is more honest, allowing for women to get help navigating through the transition and for the company to make plans accordingly. The idea is that both parties benefit. Could it be a win-win or would employers use it as a way to legally discriminate?
What do you think? Have you ever been treated differently in the workplace because of your gender or family choices?
Interested in hearing more from Sheryl Sandberg? Her book Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead is available for pre-order on Amazon.
I’m so sorry you were treated like that in an interview. Sadly, I think it’s not that uncommon. (Just after my wedding, my then-boss was very clear about her — yes, her! — opinion: that it would be a big mistake to have a child anytime soon.)
Sheryl Sandberg made some of her advice famous when she gave a TED talk on why there are so few women leaders. (Video: http://www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders.html) I loved her advice, “Don’t leave before you leave,” encouraging women to press on in their careers and seize opportunities for growth, promotion, and leadership, rather than worrying about balancing the families they don’t yet have. Now, a recommendation that women initiate a conversation with their employer about family planning? I think initiating that kind of conversation is precisely “leaving before you leave.”
I think it’s not all that different from a situation where a team knows that one of its members is going to quit, but doesn’t know the exact timing. You wouldn’t want to partner on a project with them. You wouldn’t rely on them to do much more than their bare minimum, because you know they have one foot out the door. Some companies ask employees to leave their offices immediately when they quit, rather than stick around for two more weeks. If someone wants to leave, the sooner they do, the better when it comes to morale and productivity.
If I were to hear her full case for this, I could maybe see getting on board with it in a very large company. With a true HR company, and clear orientation and training procedures in place, maybe it could work to have a fair plan in place that helps everyone. But I’ve only ever worked for companies much smaller than that, places with remote, limited, or no HR department.
And now I work in a very casual environment with a handful of teammates. If there is an HR department, I might be it. The casual nature of this group has many benefits — don’t get me wrong — but I wonder: Will their be a benefit when I need to lean back?
And just by asking that question, am I leaving before I leave?
Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Sarah.
Thanks, Katie, for your thoughts. I agree: Sheryl Sandberg has some great advice for career-minded women, even (and especially) if they are planning on having a family one day. I am looking forward to reading more of her ideas in her book this spring.
In the interview I describe in my post, I was more baffled than angry. I couldn’t decide what was more shocking: that he thought it was ok to ask me these questions or that he assumed I was dumb enough not to know they were completely illegal. I actually laughed all the way home because it was such a surreal experience. It felt like a scene from another era! Sadly, it’s a common occurrence for so many women.
As you mentioned, not every company will be able to make the same changes as others, but change does need to happen and I think it will be women like Sheryl who will help pave the way. And hopefully, women like us.
Thanks for chiming in.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I’m looking forward to reading her book, too. I look forward to hearing your thoughts about it!